Letter to my Future Self

Dear future me,
I often think about where you are now and I truly hope you’re doing okay. I hope you’re living a life you’re proud of and have done things that scare you and take you out of your comfort zone. I hope you’ve travelled and seen places you want to see and have had so many good experiences. I hope you’re writing, and that you have a job you love and are very successful.

I know things have been difficult but I hope you’re still living through them as best you can. I hope you feel good about yourself every day and try to make your life better. I hope you’re in love and settled, but if you aren’t, know that you’re not defined by love and your life can be brilliant without it. I really, really hope you have cats and if you don’t please try and get some. I know that you’ll have lost people and that people you’re close to will have died. I hope that you’re able to get through it and keep going.

I hope you’ve sorted out your life a little bit and don’t let people consume you so much. I hope you’ve learnt things and managed to use what you’ve learnt to not get too hurt. I hope you’ve had a lot of good sex and not one night stands, we both know you can’t do them (crying on your toilet floor was not your finest hour). I hope you still manage to find humour in everything bad that happens and listen to music every day. I hope your house is filled with music and that you’ve learnt to play the piano and are continuously learning new things.

I hope you’re living in your favourite place with your favourite people and that life brings you things you want, even if they’re in the most unexpected ways. I really hope you can drive because it’s looking a bit worrying at the moment. I hope you’ve lost a bit of weight and maybe look a little older than 14 so that people don’t think your friends are going out with their little sister. I hope you’re not scared of things anymore and have a lot less anxiety. I hope you find a reason to smile every day. I hope you never lose a little bit of your innocence, excitement and passion.


I hope you think back on me and the many stupid things I do and hard situations I get into, and laugh. I hope you laugh so hard because you know that things get better, and things that feel like the end of the world really aren’t. I hope you’re proud of you and happy and alive and don’t regret many things.
I hope you’ve lived a life you love and are still loving.
Love,
Me

40 Reasons to be Happy

The last two months haven't been the best I've ever had, and with an underactive thyroid, I'm feeling pretty down anyway. I know it's just a phase and when my medication has levelled itself out I'll feel a lot happier but I thought I'd make a list of reasons to be happy for anyone who needs to read this:

1. Your family and friends, and so many people love you.
2. There is always someone who's inspired by you.
3. Music exists and can help you through anything.
4. Dogs.
5. Cats.

6. There are so many places to travel to and so much of the world to see.
7. There's always a cheesy musical to watch and sing to.
8. You've got through everything up until now.
9. You can get through everything else.
10. You might get yourself into awkward situations but they will be funny stories to tell.
11. Sadness just gives you an incentive to be creative.
12. The sky is always beautiful.

13. Star gazing.
14. Camping.
15. S'mores.
16. Pizza.
17. Concerts.
18. Chocolate.
19. Pancakes.

20. The sea is beautiful.
21. Nothing lasts forever, including unhappiness.
22. So many good things are coming.
23. Your life decisions are yours, and yours alone.
24. There will always be things to make you laugh.
25. Some day your life will change and you'll miss aspects of what you have now so try to enjoy it.
26. Polar bears.

27. Everyone else is struggling with something too, it's not just you.
28. Stand up comedy.
29. There are always adventures to be had and countless new experiences.
30. You have a lifetime to live out passions.
31. Paris.

32. Some day you'll be living exactly where you want to be.

33. You'll always make new achievements.

34. There's nothing wrong with crying and letting your emotions out.

35. Films.

36. Games.

37. Books.

38. Love comes to you in many forms.

39. Birthdays.

40. Christmas.

There are so many more reasons to be happy too. For me, music is the one thing that can always make me feel better, so here's a list of happy (and cheesy) songs that helps pick me up:

Our House - Madness

Baggy Trousers - Madness

Come On Eileen - Dexy's Midnight Runners

Whole Of The Moon - The Waterboys

Town Called Malice - The Jam

It Must Be Love - Madness

Uptown Girl  - Billy Joel

My Life -Billy Joel

The River Of Dreams - Billy Joel

Walk Of Life - Dire Straits

I Want You Back  - Jackson 5

Mr Blue Sky - E.L.O

Come A Little Bit Closer - Jay and the Americans

Southern Nights - Glen Campbell

Hey Ya! - OutKast

Mumma Mia - Abba

Take A Chance On Me - Abba

Do You Believe In Magic - The Lovin' Spoonful

Wouldn't It Be Nice - The Beach Boys

Sugar Sugar - The Archies

Don't Go Breakin' My Heart - Elton John and Kiki Dee

Don't Worry, Be Happy - Bobby McFerrin

You're Welcome - Dwayne Johnson

I'm On My Way - The Proclaimers

Fat Sam's Grand Slam - Bugsy Malone

Bad Guys - Bugsy Malone

You Give A Little Love - Bugsy Malone

Brimful of Asha - Cornershop

Burning Love - Elvis Presley

Those Magic Changes - Grease

Rock & Roll - Eric Hutchinson

Rescue Me  - Fontella Bass

December 1963 - The Four Seasons

Got My Mind Set On You - George Harrison

Sweet Caroline - Neil Diamond

Rich Girl  - Gwen Stefani

Jump Around - House of Pain

Jump - Kriss Kross

On Top Of The World  - Imagine Dragons

Singing In The Rain - Simple Plan

Oom Pah Pah - Oliver

Stay - Jackson Browne

Reet Petite  - Jackie Wilson

Jilted John - Jilted John

The Day I Died - Just Jack

Wavin' Flag - K'naan

She Moves In Her Own Way  - The Kooks

Bulletproof - La Roux

The Outdoor Type - The Lemonheads

Never Let You Go - Jakaranda

My Girl - Madness

Heatwave - Martha Reeves and the Vandellas

We're Gonna Change The World - Matt Monroe

Pass The Dutchie - Musical Youth

L.I.F.E.G.O.E.S.O.N. - Noah and the Whale

Sh Boom - The Chords

My Girl  - The Temptations

I'll Be There For You - The Rembrandts

It's Tricky - Run D.M.C.

It Wasn't Me - Shaggy

Keep'n It Real - Shaggy

I Got You Babe - Sonny and Cher

Galway Girl - Steve Earle

Make Me Smile - Steve Earley and Cockney Rebel

Alright  - Supergrass

Doctorin' The Tardis - The Timelords

Monster Mash

Over And Done With  - Sunshine on Leith

Thanks for reading,

Jessie xxx

Urban Vibe Studios Photoshoot

In June, I went to a photoshoot at Urban Vibe Studios in Shoreditch after being recommended by my friend. I was debating whether to do it because I'd never done a photoshoot before and didn't know if it was a legit place, but I was pleasantly surprised. I went with my mum (I was allowed to bring a friend with me and I thought it would be a nice thing to do with her) and we were immediately greeted by the friendly and welcoming people working there.

Our make up was done by professional make up artists who allowed us to bring pictures of what we wanted our make up to look like, in order to recreate it. They put us at ease and made sure we were happy with how we looked before doing our hair in any way we wanted, and giving us a manicure. Getting a makeover made the day really fun and more of an event than just getting some photos done, and definitely gave us more confidence.

The highlight of the whole day was getting the pictures taken by Charlene, one of the photographers there, who was so talented at her job. She worked hard to get to know us as people and take pictures to bring out our personality in the style we wanted. Over four outfits she took loads of photos of us, both inside and outside.

At the end, I even felt comfortable enough to do an underwear shoot with Charlene (something I have definitely never done before) and I'm so proud of myself for doing it. They cater for any style of photoshoot and even do topless, which I can confirm I didn't do.

At the end of the day we got to look through the photos and decide which ones we wanted to keep and buy. It was expensive but that's because we bought so many! It was such a good day and I would recommend it to anyone who wants to do a photoshoot. If that isn't enough of an incentive to go there, Naked Dough (the cookie dough shop) has opened near it in Old Street Underground Station, and it was amazing! It was so nice to spend the day with my mum and I really enjoyed myself. Thank you to everyone for making it so special!


Thanks for reading,
Jessie xxx

Trip to Toronto

For my 22nd birthday, my mum took me to Toronto. The last time we went was before I started uni so I was really excited. The first place we went to when we arrived was Second Cup and I finally got to have a Frozen Hot Chocolate (I had one most days and miss them so much again).

We didn't really do anything else that day as we were majorly jetlagged. I'm pretty sure we went to bed at 8pm, but for dinner we went to my favourite restaurant in Canada, The Spaghetti Factory - a restaurant where obviously you get spaghetti but also free bread and garlic butter and a starter and ice cream. The inside of The Spaghetti Factory is really cool too with a carousel, a bed and a bus you can sit on to eat.

The carousel inside The Spaghetti Factory

The next day we spent a lot of time shopping at the Eaton Centre, the best place to shop in Canada, and bought so much stuff.

Eaton Centre

On my birthday I'd wanted to visit Toronto Zoo and see the polar bears but it was closed, and we didn't know if it would open again the whole time we were there, so we started the day with some Fran's pancakes (which are amazing).

Birthday pancakes

We then went up the CN Tower again and followed that by going to Ripley's Aquarium.

CN Tower view

CN Tower

Ripley's Aquarium

The highlight of my birthday was going to Toto's Cat Café. In the café you're able to visit the cats, feed and stroke them and can even adopt them (obviously we couldn't) but if you're in the Toronto area I would definitely recommend adopting the adorable cats.

I wanted to keep all the cats

This cat was so cute

The last time I went to Canada, I tried to visit the filming locations of Anne of Green Gables. We visited Prince Edward Island, and I was pretty devastated when I couldn't find the Green Gables house and the bridge that Gilbert proposes to Anne on. Before we went to Toronto I did a lot of searching and finally found the addresses of both of these locations. They're pretty far out of Toronto but my mum hired a car and drove me an hour out of central Toronto to find these locations. After waiting so long to see them, I was so happy to finally get to them. (I didn't go onto the bridge because it looks like it's falling in and also both of these locations are on private land so it's difficult to get closer).

Green Gables

Bridge in Anne of Green Gables

We also spent a day at Niagara Falls and went Behind the Falls. It was the hottest day when we were there and although we were soaking wet from Niagara, we dried within minutes. It's honestly one of the most beautiful places in the world and such a good day out in Toronto.

Niagara Falls

The first hotel we got to stay in was the Novotel, which was a really nice hotel and a good experience to try somewhere new. The last hotel we stayed in was our favourite hotel, The Fairmont Royal York, and we got upgraded to a suite because the airline had messed up our booking. I honestly can't say enough how much I love The Fairmont. If I could stay there forever, I would.

The Fairmont lobby

The Fairmont pool (Jacuzzi is round the corner)

On our last day in Canada, Toronto Zoo finally opened. I've been waiting to see the polar bears for ages, so even though it took an hour to get to the zoo, we decided to spend the day there (helped by the fact the Fairmont allow you to use the pool and spa area to refresh after you've checked out). Obviously my first stop was the polar bears but it was also really cool to see the giant panda and lions.

Polar bear

So happy to be this close to a polar bear

Witness the joy on my face at getting to see the polar bears

Giant panda

I loved being in Canada again and was so lucky to get to go for my 22nd. It was the best birthday I've had and I can't wait to go back again! Thank you so much to my mum.


Thanks for reading,
Jessie xxx

The rest of my trip to Paris

I'm home from Paris now (sucks to be back) but here's what I did the other two days:

On Saturday I decided to go the Eiffel Tower and I got extremely lost in the metro. I made two friends who were both Russian but living in the USA who were the reason I managed to find my way around. (It definitely pays off to ask people if they speak English if you can't find your way around).

I tried to take photos of myself outside the Eiffel but it's really hard with a selfie stick and also embarrassing to use them. (There are a lot of photos of me looking incredibly awkward).

After the Eiffel Tower I managed to find my way to the Champs-Élysées to go shopping. I knew it was a really long street and I probably wouldn't end up seeing the Arc de Triomphe at the end but before I knew it, I was right in front of it and it was beautiful!

On Sunday, I ate breakfast on the hotel balcony in front of the Eiffel Tower which was so cool, and a nice thing to do before I changed hotels.

I walked to the Louvre in the day time and spent a really long time there (and got lost inside because it is massive). I saw the Mona Lisa but it was so small I almost missed it.

I was going to go back to the Eiffel Tower as I hadn't walked up it and I regretted it but I walked onwards to the metro and there were police around and they had closed it. This was my only crying and phoning home moment and I realised that walking up the Eiffel Tower wasn't meant to be this time but there's always next time! I went back to the Latin Quarter and spent the afternoon buying art by the Seine and shopping in Shakespeare and Company (I did this in the evening too).

I finished the evening by going for a walk along the Seine while listening to music and then sat beside the Seine and wrote.

I honestly think that everyone should travel by themselves at least once in their lives and I'll do a blog post on this at some point. I've had an amazing time, I've been really happy and it's just made me appreciate life a lot more. I can't wait to return to Paris in the future!

Thanks for reading,
Jessie xxx

First day in Paris!

So I'm finally in Paris! Here's a little rundown of my first day!
I had to leave the house at 4 this morning and I couldn't sleep because I was so excited so I'm so tired but I've had a really good first day.
When I got to the Eurostar and said goodbye to my mum I felt really anxious and almost cried. I was seriously wondering what on earth I was doing but I finally got to Paris at about 9am. I would like to mention that I absolutely suck at directions. The night before I was printing every map I could in hopes that I'd be able to find my hotel and I actually managed to find it straight away! (Clearly don't suck with directions anymore!) I love my hotel room. I knew I'd booked a room with a view of the Eiffel tower but I honestly assumed it wouldn't be as nice as it was. Here's a picture of the view:

Hotel room view

I went and had chips and a crepe for lunch (and got ripped off). I then went to the Notre Dame and walked around inside. I was going to climb the tower but it stated raining and I was freezing.

 In the afternoon when the sun was starting to set, I decided to take a spontaneous boat tour (basically just sat on the boat and listened to music while taking pictures of the view). It was so cold but I loved it. It was lovely seeing the Eiffel Tower from the view of the Seine.

Eiffel Tower

After the boat trip I went and had dinner at The Great Canadian Pub. It was a bit more awkward eating by myself than it was at lunch but I brought my notebook with me and wrote.

Although I went to Shakespeare and Company earlier in the day, I recommend going in the evening. It stays open until 11pm and it's much less busy in the evening although there are still people around. This is probably the geek in me talking but I'd definitely rather go to Shakespeare and Company in the evening than to a pub. It's also got such a lovely atmosphere with people playing piano as you browse the books.

After Shakespeare and Company I came back to my hotel room to see the Eiffel Tower  lit up and it looks so beautiful. Can't wait for another day in Paris tomorrow!

How do I keep getting myself into awkward situations?

Eiffel Tower - Paris

So the night before last I booked my first solo holiday to Paris! Yes, that's right. I'm going completely by myself. Five years ago I had a panic attack every time I thought about going on a train by myself (it was a four hour long journey across Canada, but still) and now I'm going to another country by myself. So far very adult right?
Wrong.
Despite having grown up a little and achieved quite a lot over the past few years, I still manage to get myself into really awkward situations. I'm basically the type of person who gets stuck in places (a lift, a toilet and my own bedroom) and who embarrasses themselves all the time by saying inappropriate things (telling a doctor I hadn't been getting any by mistake).
Most of my mistakes aren't really things I learn from, they're more who I am as a person but I definitely learnt something while booking my trip to Paris.

It had taken me a few days to decide which hotel I wanted (obviously I wanted to stay at an expensive one but lack of money). Eventually I decided on the Holiday Inn, purely because it's a chain and  thought it would be easier as a lone woman in Paris, and there's also a rooftop bar with views of the Eiffel Tower, which no matter how awkward I feel, I will be going up there for a drink. I booked It for two nights, returning on the Sunday, and sat there feeling really proud of myself.

Next was the Eurostar, and I got my mum to sit with me to help me decide on the times. I put in the going out day (Friday) and then the coming home day (Sunday) and went to pay. Luckily my mum stopped me as I'd accidentally put March, so I went to do it again, hurrying slightly as there was only 1 seat left for leaving England on the Friday. I got to the paying page and my mum stopped me again as my return day said Monday. I was seriously sitting there thinking 'how have I managed to get this wrong twice'. We went back to the beginning and she helped me this time. We clicked the dates and went through to the next page to then see that it had changed to Monday again, with a message at the top of the screen saying There are no seats available on the Sunday so it will be departing on the Monday.

As you can imagine I was very stressed as I'd booked a non-refundable (because it's cheaper) stay in the hotel and I had no way of getting home. As much as it would be great to live in Paris, I'd much rather plan it out first. Cue panicked phone calls to the hotel (and discovering I can't understand French accents so my trip is going to be slightly awkward) and unsuccessful phone calls to Booking.com (THEY NEVER PICK UP). I ended up booking another hotel (because I didn't want the Holiday Inn to cancel my stay). The bright side is that the second hotel is the other one I was considering and it'll be nice to experience different hotels while I'm there, but slightly unfortunate for my bank account. I've learnt not to be an idiot and always book the travel before the accommodation. I will mention that despite sorting it out, I still felt incredibly anxious and was sick in the night because I literally have no idea how to cope as an adult.

Unfortunately for me, that wasn't my only awkward experience this week. The second occurred yesterday, so twice in two days I have messed up. I had a job interview yesterday morning (I really don't think I've got the job), in a location of an A road. There are no pathways of this road. Sadly I cannot drive yet (I'm currently learning) so my mum had to drive me to the interview and she told me to call her to pick me up and she'd be hanging around in a shop nearby (a five minute drive away). I sat down to wait for the interview and went to get my phone out my bag, only to discover I had left it at home. At that point I started to think Oh god, how can she pick me up? I'm going to have to walk up to a shop to ask if I can borrow a phone. I really didn't want to ask at the job interview because I wanted to look like I was slightly capable. So after the interview I walk out and walked onto the main road. At this point I not only realised there were no pathways but that it was virtually impossible to walk up this road. There was no going back though as I couldn't get back into the building so I started attempting to walk along a sloping bank, almost falling into the road, and praying that a car would stop and give me a lift. I even started to entertain thoughts of jumping in front of an ambulance as a way to get a lift somewhere because I was clearly going to die on this road. Then came a slight break in the traffic, so I started running. Yes. Running up a main road, half crying, half laughing, until I came to a house. The only house on the road. I wasn't even remotely halfway up the road and it was clear that I could not carry on. So I had to walk to this stranger's house (which looked terrifying) and ring the doorbell.

When the man came out I tried to explain the situation, praying he was nice because I was clearly screwed and thankfully he said he'd help me. He then got locked out of his own house and had to get a very old man to let him back in, but he lent me his phone and I called a taxi, all the while apologising for being such an inconvenience. Luckily I had my key and the taxi came and took me home, but if that house hadn't been there, there is a 90% chance I would have been run over.

So yes, in two days I managed to mess up twice. And now I'm going on holiday by myself. Am I even going to survive?? In all seriousness, despite being slightly anxious at my own inability to function as a normal adult, I'm very excited about Paris.

Thanks for reading,

Jessie xxx