Looking after myself emotionally and feeling more confident

In October last year I started feeling pretty bad about myself again and feeling anxious in social situations. Someone suggested I go to a place called i-Rock in Hastings to attend a wellbeing and anxiety course, and while there I was also referred for ten sessions of free counselling at Counselling Plus. I've always been the type of person to just say 'I'm fine' whenever anyone tries to talk to me about how I'm feeling, but I finally decided it was time to take care of myself emotionally. Whenever I feel sad usually I listen to music (and honestly there is nothing that makes me happier) but I wanted to be able to talk to someone about how I was feeling.

I realise counselling isn't for everyone, and to be honest I wasn't sure if it was for me, but I found it so helpful to talk about the big things that had happened in my past, and more recent events. Crying for the first time in front of a counsellor was embarrassing but also cathartic and I was so relieved to talk about things that I couldn't with family. By the end of the ten sessions my counsellor told me I was 'sitting taller in the chair' and she could 'see a real difference'. It also enabled me to speak to my family about how I felt about things, and helped me gain a sense of closure on things that had happened.

I was more apprehensive about the Adult Wellbeing course, imagining something like an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and dreading having to meet new people, however it was really relaxed and the people were all really nice, in particularly the 'tutors'.

Throughout the course I learnt a lot about myself and my core beliefs, and coinciding with the counselling, realised why I felt 'I'm not good enough' and that 'I'm not as good as others'. The sessions were all really interesting and gave advice on how to change the behaviours, and eventually our thoughts about ourselves. We learnt about our driver behaviours (mine is to please others) and our relationships with other people - what we want out of them and the best way to communicate.

We were given advice on how to be assertive and how to be more confident. Towards the end of the course we learnt how to manage stress and about mindfulness and relaxation techniques.

I'm trying to sum it up but it's pretty hard to explain just how much it has helped me. At the beginning of the course, speaking in front of the group would have been my nightmare but by the end I was absolutely fine and not worrying about what other people would think about me - as the tutors said, what I say is just as important as what anyone else has to say.

The course finished today and during the past few months I have achieved a lot in my personal life, partly due to feeling more confident in myself. I passed my driving test (finally!) and achieved something else. I thanked the tutors who ran the course, because they really have changed my outlook on myself and life and, if I'm being completely honest, I cried in front of everyone because they were so lovely and wishing me luck with all the exciting things I'm doing this year.

There are still things I want to change about myself and I don't feel completely happy all the time, but I've learnt how to stop the negative thoughts. It is always worth taking care of yourself emotionally and learning to talk about how you're feeling, and I am now feeling so much more confident.

Thanks for reading,
Jessie xx

How do I keep getting myself into awkward situations?

Eiffel Tower - Paris

So the night before last I booked my first solo holiday to Paris! Yes, that's right. I'm going completely by myself. Five years ago I had a panic attack every time I thought about going on a train by myself (it was a four hour long journey across Canada, but still) and now I'm going to another country by myself. So far very adult right?
Wrong.
Despite having grown up a little and achieved quite a lot over the past few years, I still manage to get myself into really awkward situations. I'm basically the type of person who gets stuck in places (a lift, a toilet and my own bedroom) and who embarrasses themselves all the time by saying inappropriate things (telling a doctor I hadn't been getting any by mistake).
Most of my mistakes aren't really things I learn from, they're more who I am as a person but I definitely learnt something while booking my trip to Paris.

It had taken me a few days to decide which hotel I wanted (obviously I wanted to stay at an expensive one but lack of money). Eventually I decided on the Holiday Inn, purely because it's a chain and  thought it would be easier as a lone woman in Paris, and there's also a rooftop bar with views of the Eiffel Tower, which no matter how awkward I feel, I will be going up there for a drink. I booked It for two nights, returning on the Sunday, and sat there feeling really proud of myself.

Next was the Eurostar, and I got my mum to sit with me to help me decide on the times. I put in the going out day (Friday) and then the coming home day (Sunday) and went to pay. Luckily my mum stopped me as I'd accidentally put March, so I went to do it again, hurrying slightly as there was only 1 seat left for leaving England on the Friday. I got to the paying page and my mum stopped me again as my return day said Monday. I was seriously sitting there thinking 'how have I managed to get this wrong twice'. We went back to the beginning and she helped me this time. We clicked the dates and went through to the next page to then see that it had changed to Monday again, with a message at the top of the screen saying There are no seats available on the Sunday so it will be departing on the Monday.

As you can imagine I was very stressed as I'd booked a non-refundable (because it's cheaper) stay in the hotel and I had no way of getting home. As much as it would be great to live in Paris, I'd much rather plan it out first. Cue panicked phone calls to the hotel (and discovering I can't understand French accents so my trip is going to be slightly awkward) and unsuccessful phone calls to Booking.com (THEY NEVER PICK UP). I ended up booking another hotel (because I didn't want the Holiday Inn to cancel my stay). The bright side is that the second hotel is the other one I was considering and it'll be nice to experience different hotels while I'm there, but slightly unfortunate for my bank account. I've learnt not to be an idiot and always book the travel before the accommodation. I will mention that despite sorting it out, I still felt incredibly anxious and was sick in the night because I literally have no idea how to cope as an adult.

Unfortunately for me, that wasn't my only awkward experience this week. The second occurred yesterday, so twice in two days I have messed up. I had a job interview yesterday morning (I really don't think I've got the job), in a location of an A road. There are no pathways of this road. Sadly I cannot drive yet (I'm currently learning) so my mum had to drive me to the interview and she told me to call her to pick me up and she'd be hanging around in a shop nearby (a five minute drive away). I sat down to wait for the interview and went to get my phone out my bag, only to discover I had left it at home. At that point I started to think Oh god, how can she pick me up? I'm going to have to walk up to a shop to ask if I can borrow a phone. I really didn't want to ask at the job interview because I wanted to look like I was slightly capable. So after the interview I walk out and walked onto the main road. At this point I not only realised there were no pathways but that it was virtually impossible to walk up this road. There was no going back though as I couldn't get back into the building so I started attempting to walk along a sloping bank, almost falling into the road, and praying that a car would stop and give me a lift. I even started to entertain thoughts of jumping in front of an ambulance as a way to get a lift somewhere because I was clearly going to die on this road. Then came a slight break in the traffic, so I started running. Yes. Running up a main road, half crying, half laughing, until I came to a house. The only house on the road. I wasn't even remotely halfway up the road and it was clear that I could not carry on. So I had to walk to this stranger's house (which looked terrifying) and ring the doorbell.

When the man came out I tried to explain the situation, praying he was nice because I was clearly screwed and thankfully he said he'd help me. He then got locked out of his own house and had to get a very old man to let him back in, but he lent me his phone and I called a taxi, all the while apologising for being such an inconvenience. Luckily I had my key and the taxi came and took me home, but if that house hadn't been there, there is a 90% chance I would have been run over.

So yes, in two days I managed to mess up twice. And now I'm going on holiday by myself. Am I even going to survive?? In all seriousness, despite being slightly anxious at my own inability to function as a normal adult, I'm very excited about Paris.

Thanks for reading,

Jessie xxx

Overactive and Underactive Thyroid

I've been thinking of doing this blog post for ages now, just to make people more aware as they themselves could be suffering from an underactive (hypothyroidism) or overactive thyroid (hyperthyroidism). It also may help friends of those going through it. I'm in the very exciting position of having suffered from both of these, so I feel I know a bit about both of them. So this is the personal journey I've had with both of them over the last three years:

Overactive Thyroid
I must have had an overactive thyroid for quite a while before I found out but never realised as I'd been suffering with the symptoms for ages (although in comparison with underactive symptoms, these are nowhere near as bad). Not all of the symptoms I've had are listed online but my mum thought there was something wrong with my thyroid as my granny had had an overactive thyroid when she was younger, and I suffered from anxiety, was a bit irritable, needed to wee a lot, had a lot of energy and couldn't keep still even though I was tired. She realised there was definitely something wrong when I came home from the last day of Sixth Form and was so tired I went straight to sleep without eating dinner (and if I miss dinner there is definitely something wrong). My previous doctor had thought my mum was a hypochondriac but my new doctor agreed to do a thyroid blood test (something my mum had to ASK for. If she hadn't asked him, nobody would have tested me for it). My mum's instincts about my thyroid were clearly right when the night after the blood test, my doctor phoned and said my thyroid was so overactive that I had to come in immediately first thing in the morning and if I felt worse overnight to go to A&E. My parents were obviously really worried but I didn't really feel any different to how I had been feeling so I didn't go to A&E. The doctor put me on carbimazole and I had a lot of the side effects such as nausea which lasted for ages. I was on a pretty high dosage in order to make me go underactive. (If you are on carbimazole there is also the slight possibility of having a thyroid storm, which means you have to go to A&E straight away, but luckily I didn't have one).

Underactive Thyroid
 To test my thyroid levels, I would have a blood test every so often (can't remember the exact amount of time between them) but I'd started university so I was living in halls. As I'd never been underactive before I didn't realise that I was becoming underactive. One of the side effects of an overactive thyroid is unexplained weight loss. Unfortunately I didn't really lose much weight. When I went underactive I put on a little bit of weight, although not much compared to how much others can put on, but basically I just thought I'd been eating a little too much at uni because I was a bit chubbier than normal. Whereas for an overactive thyroid, I'd had a few of the symptoms, for underactive I have pretty much every symptom listed online. Dry skin, being sensitive to the cold (I get really cold when others seem to be fine), the weight gain and muscle aches (struggling to walk without feeling pain) and being very slow in both mind and body. My two personal favourite symptoms are depression and tiredness. I felt so down during my first year of uni that there were times I literally thought there was no point to life and couldn't talk to anyone about it but I didn't think that was my thyroid. The tiredness was so bad that I missed lectures because I literally couldn't get out of bed. Although I still had slight anxiety about things, most of the time I didn't really care. When the blood test revealed I was underactive, the doctor put me on levothyroxine (can't remember the dosage) in order to bring my thyroid levels to normal. This was a method the doctor called block and replace which could have made my throid stable.

Overactive Thyroid again!
At one point over this three years (I can't remember what exactly happened) but there was a miscommunication between my doctor and the hospital, meaning my treatment got messed up and the block and replace had to be restarted. As a result I was on carbimazole for longer than I was supposed to be on it. My thyroid went normal for about a year so I was really lucky for a while but then inevitably it went overactive again about a year ago. Unfortunately this time I couldn't stay on carbimazole as I'd already been on it for too long. So this time I had to have radioactive iodine, which would make sure I wouldn't go overactive again as it would basically kill off the thyroid, with a very strong possibility that I would be underactive. Although the underactive symptoms are much worse, staying overactive is much more dangerous. I was obviously terrified about the treatment but it had to happen.

Radioactive Iodine
I stayed on the carbimazole until I was normal and then I had to have radioactive iodine in July 2016. Luckily I had finished university. I went to an appointment first at Brighton hospital where they had to inject me with a tiny dosage of radioactive iodine (as part of my thyroid condition I have extremely low blood pressure and they ALWAYS struggle to take my blood during blood tests so I had to have like five injections). I then had to have a scan which I wasn't prepared for as I get claustrophobic but I managed to get through it. Then a week later I went back and took the radioiodine which was in the form of a pill which I swallowed. After taking it I couldn't be near people, and had to avoid interaction for three weeks. Luckily I have my own flat but I was very lonely and missed my family and friends. The only side effects I had were a really bad stomach ache which lasted the whole time and headaches and a couple of nose bleeds, but after that my thyroid was normal and I could go about life normally.

Underactive thyroid again.
So in September/October 2016, I started having a few underactive symptoms but didn't really realise. I put on a little bit of weight (which I put down to having been stuck inside my flat for three weeks and not exercising much). I was acting in a show and was freezing backstage whereas everyone else seemed to be fine, and was really tired. I managed to keep on going until after the show but that's when I began to feel down, like I didn't know what to do with my life anymore (not helped by finishing uni and not knowing what to do next). I had no motivation and avoided a lot of social interactions. I'm on levothyroxine again and it is helping, slowly. I feel better emotionally than I did the last time I was underactive, especially as I know there's a reason for it now and I can talk to people about it, although I still feel down. I'm still struggling to find motivation to go to the gym, see people but when I am doing those things it's fine. I feel like I've been hiding how I'm feeling for the past couple of months and I am struggling but it's getting better on the medication. Currently I'm trying to find the dose which is going to work but then once I'm on the right dose it should be fine. I will lose a bit of weight and find motivation and won't have any of the side effects. I'll have to be on levothyroxine for life but it will make me better and on the plus side, I get any medication free for life.

Most people don't know what an underactive or overactive thyroid is but a lot of people (both male and female) suffer from it without knowing. The symptoms are common such as anxiety and depression and if you suffer from any of the other symptoms (irritability, mood swings, hyperactivity, difficulty sleeping, tiredness, sensitivity to the heat or the cold, muscle weakness, needing the toilet more often than usual, thirst, itchiness, unexplained weight gain or weight loss, constipation, dry skin, loss of libido, irregular or heavy periods), I would recommend asking for a blood test to check your thyroid function as most doctors don't check for it automatically.



Thanks for reading,
Jessie xxx