My First Self Isolation

So, currently we are all self-isolating. I was fortunate enough to have to self-isolate myself before. I wrote this last year for university and thought now was the perfect time to share it to remind myself and others that it's perfectly okay to do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. I am lucky enough to be working from home right now but apart from that, being productive is extremely hard and I should be using this time to write but I've forgotten what normal life is like. I will mention that I am exercising though because it's very important for mental health... and have also succumbed to Disney+ so will be okay on the binge watching front! *Also would like to confirm that although I thought self-isolation for two weeks was pretty easy, this is much, much worse and I look forward to being able to go out and see the people I love but we can all get through this!*


Everyone always needs a bit of time to themselves, don’t they? A bit of time where they could do or try anything they wanted to without worries of work. In August 2016 I managed to find two weeks where I could have some time to myself. Unfortunately, this wasn’t out of choice. This was because I was having radioactive iodine to get rid of my thyroid as I was overactive. My mum and I joked about it and about having so much time to myself as I had to have two weeks not seeing anybody because I would be radioactive. I listed all the things I was going to do during these two weeks of not seeing anybody: learn to play piano; learn Italian; learn sign language; make some Youtube videos; do some writing; lose weight and watch Orange is the New Black. I was ready and excited.


I was slightly less excited at the meeting with the doctor before the radioactive iodine. This meeting was to test how I reacted to it, and to be given the facts about what I was supposed to do. It started quite well, as the nurses struggled to find a vein to inject me, trying both arms, both hands, and eventually going back to the first arm they began with. So, four holes in me later, I was ready to have the scan to check how I’d reacted to it. Unfortunately, I get incredibly claustrophobic, so I had a panic attack while the scanner was over my body. Next up the doctor told me that when it was official ‘Radioactive Day’, all I would have to do was pop a pill, and then make sure I got home and away from people before an hour was up. My home, which was an hour away from the hospital.


When we did go in for the radioactive iodine, I took the pill and was issued with instructions to drink as much water as is humanly possible to get the radioactive iodine out of my system quicker, and to flush the toilet twice every time I went, not to go near anybody for two weeks, and to stay away from children and pregnant women for three weeks, which was slightly difficult as we were going to Cornwall just after the two weeks were up, so our journey up there consisted of me running away from children at service stations.


So, after a fast drive home from my mum, there I was back at home, which is my grandad’s second flat, across a corridor from his flat. She waved at me from his door and bought me some food and left it outside my door. Apart from a few corridor waves and FaceTimes from my parents, I was on my own. I was also terrified about what the side effects were going to be, as the doctor had issued me a yellow card and told me to call if I got ill. I spent the next few days drinking water but nowhere near the amount I should have been, I had tummy aches, and a couple of nosebleeds, but the biggest side effect was tiredness. I was doing something that was quite stressful and scary, and honestly, despite having two weeks doing nothing, I didn’t actually have the time to learn to play piano, or sign language or Italian, or make any Youtube videos. I tried to do a bit of writing, but honestly, I was not inspired at all by my predicament, and the last thing I wanted to do was exercise. So, you know what I did while I had two weeks all by myself? I watched Orange is the New Black.

This time I will learn to play the piano! And also stare at this picture of people going out to eat and wonder what normal life was like.

Holiday to Cornwall, St Mawes

This Easter, we went on a family holiday to Cornwall with my boyfriend, Aiden. Normally we would go in the Summer, but Easter wasn't as busy and although some days were a bit windy, the weather was generally good. We stayed in an absolutely gorgeous holiday apartment called Poldhu in St Mawes, which was literally the best accommodation I have ever stayed in. St. Mawes itself is small, however it has good links to places, and has all the necessities - a pub, shop, castle and a ferry to Falmouth. Oh, and it's also beautiful.

St. Mawes

St. Mawes Castle

On our first day we took the ferry to Falmouth, which takes about 20 minutes.

St. Mawes ferry

While there we looked in the shops and had the best cream tea of the holiday at The Cornish Bakery where we also had a hazelnut hot chocolate (gutted we didn't get to go again).

We took a trip to the Eden Project which was amazing, although very hot in the rainforest dome! It was so cool to see the waterfall and walk across the rope bridge. The shop was great as well, and if I lived closer, I'd have bought so many plants.

Eden Project

Eden Project

Eden Project

Eden Project

The highlight of the entire holiday was going to the Minack Theatre.  It's a stunning outdoor theatre located right on a cliff edge overlooking the sea, where my parents performed almost 30 years ago with their acting company. Absolute dream to have a play performed there (please let it happen!) Again, maybe because of the time of year, it wasn't too busy and was so peaceful and beautiful. Genuinely one of my favourite places in the world.

Minack Theatre

View from the Minack

With Aiden

With my parents

We went to St. Michael's Mount which looks so cool. Unfortunately, we went towards the end of the day and were told the castle was closing soon so we raced to the top of the mount (which is hard enough just walking up). It has such lovely views!

St. Michael's Mount

We walked to St. Anthony's Head lighthouse, although it was a hard walk, and saw such beautiful views.

View from the lighthouse

We also went kayaking, which was great until Aiden fell in and I had to flip the kayak single-handed, while my dad floated around us in hysterics.

Kayak

It was such a lovely holiday and I wish I could go back right now.

Thanks for reading,
Jessie xx

Trip to Venice

On a bridge in Venice

 For my 23rd birthday, I went on a trip with my mum to Venice. I'm going to be totally honest here,  I didn't think I would like it and was considering going to Rome instead but decided Venice was cheaper and potentially less touristy.

Taking the boat from the airport to Venice was a real eye-opener. I'd known there was a lot of water but I hadn't known it was a city built entirely on water with no vehicles - I was amazed.

We stayed in a hotel called Hotel Santa Marina, a real Venetian hotel with material wallpaper and beautiful decorations, right beside one of the canals.

Outside our hotel

Most of the foods we ate were pizza or pasta (for some reason I assumed they would only serve fish and was worried we wouldn't be able to find any, but luckily there was more pizza and pasta than I've ever seen in my life). There are also fresh pasta shops in some of the streets where you can get pasta meals as street food if you want to save money!

We also had ice cream - the best ice cream shop in Venice is Suso, by the Rialto Bridge, but we also found a gourmet chocolate ice cream place called Venchi which dipped the cones in chocolate in front of you.

Venchi

On the first day we decided to do the tourist things like the Basilica which was beautiful and the Doge's Palace which was actually stunning (and on a Thursday wasn't that busy).

St Mark's Basilica

Doge's Palace

Inside the Doge's Palace

We also went on a gondola (because you just have to, right?!) but the tip is to always walk away because a gondolier ran after us and offered us a cheaper deal, and we loved it.

Gondola ride

In the evening we tried to do a bar crawl near the Rialto Bridge and couldn't find anywhere. I found a bar called Bacaro Jazz, with a ceiling decorated with bras and guitars (my mum was very hesitant to go in at first but she loved it). I highly recommend it, especially because the bartenders are so lovely and it has such a good atmosphere. Nothing at all to do with the very generous portions of vodka they give (half a tall glass). Not at all...

The ceiling of Bacaro Jazz

The next day (slightly headachy), we went to the Accademia Gallery Museum and then to Harry's Bar where Ernest Hemingway, James Stewart and Charlie Chaplin have all been.

Accademia Gallery Museum

In the evening we walked to a bar that I had read about called El Sbarlefo, San Pantalon which played rock, blues and country music, but probably isn't worth an hour's walk. We then walked to St Mark's Square to see the sunset and listened to the orchestras playing Time to Say Goodbye. It was honestly enchanting.

St Mark's Square at sunset

With my mum on the Rialto Bridge

I fell in love with Venice and I hope I get to visit there again. I highly recommend.


Thanks for reading.

Jessie x

Looking after myself emotionally and feeling more confident

In October last year I started feeling pretty bad about myself again and feeling anxious in social situations. Someone suggested I go to a place called i-Rock in Hastings to attend a wellbeing and anxiety course, and while there I was also referred for ten sessions of free counselling at Counselling Plus. I've always been the type of person to just say 'I'm fine' whenever anyone tries to talk to me about how I'm feeling, but I finally decided it was time to take care of myself emotionally. Whenever I feel sad usually I listen to music (and honestly there is nothing that makes me happier) but I wanted to be able to talk to someone about how I was feeling.

I realise counselling isn't for everyone, and to be honest I wasn't sure if it was for me, but I found it so helpful to talk about the big things that had happened in my past, and more recent events. Crying for the first time in front of a counsellor was embarrassing but also cathartic and I was so relieved to talk about things that I couldn't with family. By the end of the ten sessions my counsellor told me I was 'sitting taller in the chair' and she could 'see a real difference'. It also enabled me to speak to my family about how I felt about things, and helped me gain a sense of closure on things that had happened.

I was more apprehensive about the Adult Wellbeing course, imagining something like an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and dreading having to meet new people, however it was really relaxed and the people were all really nice, in particularly the 'tutors'.

Throughout the course I learnt a lot about myself and my core beliefs, and coinciding with the counselling, realised why I felt 'I'm not good enough' and that 'I'm not as good as others'. The sessions were all really interesting and gave advice on how to change the behaviours, and eventually our thoughts about ourselves. We learnt about our driver behaviours (mine is to please others) and our relationships with other people - what we want out of them and the best way to communicate.

We were given advice on how to be assertive and how to be more confident. Towards the end of the course we learnt how to manage stress and about mindfulness and relaxation techniques.

I'm trying to sum it up but it's pretty hard to explain just how much it has helped me. At the beginning of the course, speaking in front of the group would have been my nightmare but by the end I was absolutely fine and not worrying about what other people would think about me - as the tutors said, what I say is just as important as what anyone else has to say.

The course finished today and during the past few months I have achieved a lot in my personal life, partly due to feeling more confident in myself. I passed my driving test (finally!) and achieved something else. I thanked the tutors who ran the course, because they really have changed my outlook on myself and life and, if I'm being completely honest, I cried in front of everyone because they were so lovely and wishing me luck with all the exciting things I'm doing this year.

There are still things I want to change about myself and I don't feel completely happy all the time, but I've learnt how to stop the negative thoughts. It is always worth taking care of yourself emotionally and learning to talk about how you're feeling, and I am now feeling so much more confident.

Thanks for reading,
Jessie xx

Letter to my Future Self

Dear future me,
I often think about where you are now and I truly hope you’re doing okay. I hope you’re living a life you’re proud of and have done things that scare you and take you out of your comfort zone. I hope you’ve travelled and seen places you want to see and have had so many good experiences. I hope you’re writing, and that you have a job you love and are very successful.

I know things have been difficult but I hope you’re still living through them as best you can. I hope you feel good about yourself every day and try to make your life better. I hope you’re in love and settled, but if you aren’t, know that you’re not defined by love and your life can be brilliant without it. I really, really hope you have cats and if you don’t please try and get some. I know that you’ll have lost people and that people you’re close to will have died. I hope that you’re able to get through it and keep going.

I hope you’ve sorted out your life a little bit and don’t let people consume you so much. I hope you’ve learnt things and managed to use what you’ve learnt to not get too hurt. I hope you’ve had a lot of good sex and not one night stands, we both know you can’t do them (crying on your toilet floor was not your finest hour). I hope you still manage to find humour in everything bad that happens and listen to music every day. I hope your house is filled with music and that you’ve learnt to play the piano and are continuously learning new things.

I hope you’re living in your favourite place with your favourite people and that life brings you things you want, even if they’re in the most unexpected ways. I really hope you can drive because it’s looking a bit worrying at the moment. I hope you’ve lost a bit of weight and maybe look a little older than 14 so that people don’t think your friends are going out with their little sister. I hope you’re not scared of things anymore and have a lot less anxiety. I hope you find a reason to smile every day. I hope you never lose a little bit of your innocence, excitement and passion.


I hope you think back on me and the many stupid things I do and hard situations I get into, and laugh. I hope you laugh so hard because you know that things get better, and things that feel like the end of the world really aren’t. I hope you’re proud of you and happy and alive and don’t regret many things.
I hope you’ve lived a life you love and are still loving.
Love,
Me

My Highlights of 2016

This year has been a difficult one emotionally, physically and in general for the world but I've had some really great times and wanted to focus on my highlights so when I look back on my memories, I'll know that this year was a pretty special one.

March

A pretty cool event at the beginning of the year was going to my mum's high school reunion. She went to a private school in Toronto called Branksome Hall, which is a boarding school for girls from all over the world. The coolest thing about it was that it took place in the Canadian Embassy (Canada House) in Trafalgar Square, and inside it was incredible. I felt really lucky that my mum decided to take me as it was very posh and I might never have a chance to go there again.

                                            (Picture: Canadian Embassy in Trafalgar Square)


March 24th

I was lucky enough to go to some incredible gigs/concerts this year and I started the year on a high by getting to see my favourite band, Simple Plan, for the third time. They were incredible as always (I cried a little) and this definitely won't be the last time I see them. Literally every time I see them I get chills when the audience sings back to them.

                                                       (Picture: Simple Plan gig)


April

I got my mum (and dad) tickets to see Newton Faulkner for her birthday this year and it was pretty big for her. Newton was amazing, and so talented.

                                      (Picture: I didn't get a picture of the gig but he favourited my tweet)


April

I HANDED IN MY DISSERTATION. This is only a highlight because it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. (If anyone ever tells you dissertations aren't hard, don't listen to them.) I'm so proud of myself for completing it and getting a 2:1 in it. I don't care if people haven't done a dissertation but they definitely need to have a certain amount of sympathy that I've had to write one.

                                (Picture: Handing in my dissertation, with an immense amount of relief)



June 7th

I turned 21! Although I still look 12, it's nice to be officially in my 20's but also scary. I had a lovely party though (later on in June) and got to see some people that I hadn't seen for a very long time. I also got tickets to see Elton John!

                                                        (Picture: 21st party)


June 10th

I got to see Elton John in concert. This was literally one of the best moments of my life as he is one of my favourite singers. He sung my favourite songs of his and obviously he was incredible. I've waited years to see him as I wanted to see him in Brighton when I was 16 but because it clashed with my GCSEs I couldn't go. It was such a great night and I would love to see him again but if I can't at least I've had the opportunity.

                                                  (Picture: Elton John in concert)


July

To save money for holidays abroad, we went to Cornwall this summer. I haven't been for years but I loved it and we made it so much fun by going surfing, kayaking, coasteering, doing pottery and finding secret beaches. Part of me wanted to become a water sports instructor but the other part realised I cannot swim very well. We also went on a little Poldark tour and managed to find the house that's used as Poldark's house which is in a remote location on Bodmin Moor and we only managed to find it with the instructions of one of the owner's friends.

September 3rd

I went to see American Idiot which was amazing and I loved it! Getting to see Newton Faulkner in it was so good and I couldn't imagine it without him in it.

(Picture: American Idiot)

September 10th

This is probably my favourite moment of 2016. I got to see Billy Joel in concert at Wembley Stadium. He was so incredible and I was looking forward to this moment the whole year as he is one of my favourite singers. He sung my favourite song in the whole world, Vienna, and I am not ashamed to say I cried a lot. It was so magical and crazy to think how many people were there. I loved it and would love to see him again but if he didn't play Vienna again it would probably break my heart a little bit. But hearing my favourite song played live was definitely the highlight of my year.

                                            (Pictures: Billy Joel in concert)

October

I haven't acted for years (the last time being my A Level exam) and finally after five years I was able to act again in the premiere of 1066: Three Kings. I accidentally auditioned with a friend and the writer put me in the play and chose me for a large role. I was so nervous at having been offered such a large part but I managed to do it and am so proud of myself. It was such fun to be in and it was such a lovely cast.

                                                    (Picture: 1066: Three Kings)

October 24th

This is probably one of the main highlights of the year. I finally graduated with a 2:1 in English and Creative Writing! I am so proud of myself and for all I achieved and thankful for the good times at Uni (there were a lot of bad ones too), and I know I have come out of it a stronger person. I wanted to give up a lot of times but once I got to my third year I realised it was probably a bit stupid. I honestly never thought I would graduate or manage to get in all my work but I did and I'm proud of all the writing I have done while at Uni and thankful for all the friends I met. Also I don't mean to brag but I didn't fall down the stairs during my graduation.


November

This wasn't such a big event but I'm proud of myself for getting through my anxiety and going to Shropshire on my own to help my big cousin and help look after my little cousin. It was so lovely being with family and getting to know my cousin, Iris, more.

                                                   (Picture: My cousin, Iris, at ballet)

December 

My last favourite moment of the year was going to see Kate Tempest performing her album 'Let Them Eat Chaos'. She's so talented and the fact that she's a writer inspires me even more. She really makes you think about the world and I would recommend her to everyone.

Overall I've had a pretty good year and looking back through my photos reminded me of some of the times I had forgotten. In terms of gigs and concerts it was definitely the best year I've had, and I'm really grateful for all of the memories. I hope 2017 is slightly better though, as I could do with a job.

Thanks for reading,
Jessie
xxx